tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43893719539640553972024-01-17T04:54:42.212-08:00STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE - The Melbourne VersionBenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-63823666617668984142015-02-15T16:38:00.000-08:002015-02-15T16:38:02.464-08:00Non-hipster blindnessRemember when globalisation was bad because it made everywhere the same? Now globalisation can take many different forms. There's World Cup fever in every country, a Crossfit-industrial complex, Chinese globalisation and a global hipster culture that is the same whether you're in Brooklyn or London or North Fitzroy or Adelaide. It doesn't change.<br />
<br />
There was once a time when people thought hipsters could either <a href="http://blog.builddirect.com/green-trends-will-hipsters-save-the-world/" target="_blank">change the world</a> or <a href="https://www.adbusters.org/magazine/79/hipster.html" target="_blank">destroy it</a>. What we were all forgetting is that hipsters are just a consumer group. It's like thinking the Friday night after-work drinks crowd are destroying civilization, or that my Mum's friends hanging out at Chadstone are going to start a revolution. Consumer groups! That's it!<br />
<br />
White Melburnians no longer seeking the approval of their parents now look for approval from hipsters. And just like they did with their parents, white Melburnians pretend to hate hipsters when we all know they love them. Just as the child who has learned a new word keeps repeating it, Melbourne white people must keep using the word 'hipster' no matter what - even if hipsters have got <i>nothing </i>to do with what they're talking about.<br />
<br />
Yes, white Melburnians have hipster Tourette's. Which brings me to non-hipster blindness.<br />
<br />
Non-hipster blindness is:<br />
<br />
- when hipsters get the credit for inventing fashions that influenced them.<br />
<br />
- when people in photos taken fifty years ago get labelled as hipsters decades before the term was coined.<br />
<br />
- when an opinion piece in the New York Times argues that hipsters have '<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/10/opinion/sunday/how-hipsters-ruined-paris.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0" target="_blank">ruined Paris</a>'. Not even the fucking Nazi war machine could ruin Paris but now the entire city is suddenly vulnerable to hipsters? Paris is not that fragile!<br />
<br />
(and this is the The New York Times! It's meant to be a serious newspaper not the Northcote Leader!)<br />
<br />
- when a borough of 2.5 million people gets cast as the 'hipster' part of New York. Surely there are other types of people there?<br />
<br />
- when a vaguely hipster-ish guy at your work is universally known as 'the hipster guy' when <i>he has a name! He's a human being!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
- when festivals get called 'hipster festivals' just because some of the people there are hipsters. It's like calling the Carnivale in Rio an Aussie festival.<br />
<br />
But Melbourne needs hipsters because they don't get violent as easily as other Melburnians. Your chances of being smacked in the face in a hipster neighbourhood are almost zero. And even if somebody did manage to land a punch it probably wouldn't even hurt.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-57253396800611856742014-03-02T18:53:00.000-08:002014-03-02T18:53:11.488-08:00RolliesThere's nothing wrong with tailors. They still make you look cool, they still give you cancer, they still come with pictures of Bryan. But white Melburnians will never smoke them because they're too easy. You whip one out of the pack, light it, then it's gone. Rollies take much longer. They require a level of patience and skill, artistry, yadda yadda. They prolong the entire smoking experience and are the central artefact in the production and maintenance of white Melburnian smoking culture.<br />
<br />
White Melburnians would never do something just to do it. They do things to be <i>seen doing them</i>. Rollies drag out (get it?) the whole act of smoking because the construction of the cigarette takes so much time. Ever notice how long it takes Melbourne white people to roll one cigarette? Forever! And they smoke all the time. They should be able to roll one in ten seconds flat but it's normal to see them take around five to ten minutes.<br />
<br />
It's all about the way you position your fingers on the rolly paper. It's all in the wrinkled brow and intense look of concentration you enact as if this is the first time you've ever rolled one, bent to your work with one leg crossed over the other, the ache in your butt and lower back from the wooden bench you've been sitting on for three hours. And that whole thing where you leave the filter stuck to your bottom lip for a few minutes before the rolling even begins. Then, the rolled cigarette is held aloft, erect, triumphant, (usually held up a second or two longer than necessary) and gratefully accepted from someone across the table. Repeat.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-76728439016712949512013-11-26T17:09:00.000-08:002013-11-26T17:09:12.295-08:00American foodIt was only just recently that the term 'American food' would bring
forth all sorts of ridicule from white Melburnians. 'Food?' they'd say
incredulously, 'that's not food!' as all things crumbed, glazed or deep
fried were shunned. Back then, white Melburnians thought American food was all just hot dogs, burgers, greasy sandwiches and pork. But now that American food is being marketed to them in culturally appropriate ways, you'll see plenty of white Melburnians raving about hot dogs, burgers, greasy sandwiches and pork. My advice for anyone thinking of opening an
American restaurant in Melbourne's inner north? Just call your soup
'gumbo' and put the word 'pulled' in front of any meat dish. They will
line up.<br />
<br />
But let's be honest. Australians have been eating American foods for
generations. McDonalds, Burger King and KFC have always been popular,
and TGI Fridays still draws a crowd. But these foods were never marketed to white Melburnians. There are a number of ways in which these places are marketed and presented to consumers that make them off limits to white Melburnians. For example, they are all very
loud. Too much ambient noise means that strangers on
adjacent tables won't get to listen to white Melburnians talk about
their weekends or their experiences on a recent date or their new
purchases (eavesdropping is a central form of communication in white
Melburnian culture). The decor is all wrong too. No exposed brick, wooden beams or white tiles. All those glossy surfaces clash with the white Melburnian preference for matte.<br />
<br />
Another problem with TGI's (and McDonalds and KFC etc) is that they are <i>too</i>
authentic. Too firmly suggestive of their native context, these places are filled with lots of people who could be Americans. The food itself is also too authentic. It tastes just like the type of crap you're forced to eat while changing planes at Logan or Dulles, or filling up on I-91, or while watching a game at the Wells Fargo Center or AT&T Stadium or at a shopping centre in New London or New Britain or New Hampshire or San Luis Obispo. It's just too American for white Melburnians. Which is to say it's located in a part of
the world that's not Northcote, so white Melburnians would prefer to
avoid it altogether. <br />
<br />
But there is definitely something a little sad about American food made by white Melburnians for white Melburnians. It lacks a certain depth of flavour and texture. Holding these foods in my hands, there's an odd feeling of lightness both in the food itself and in my wallet that isn't there in the American versions. Too much palm is visible, and when you squeeze the food it gives way (yields) too easily. White Melburnians forget they don't have to dress up to eat fried chicken. American food makes you feel full, happy and strong. People who eat that food could conquer the world (and they almost did). American food is for the masses, not just for the few in the inner suburbs of the most privileged cities. Its food that's eaten from sea to shining sea, through the cornfields, the bayous and the everglades. From the housing projects of Detroit to the upper floors of the Chrysler building in Manhattan. From the stoops of Brooklyn brownstones to the front porches of Pocatello, Idaho. American food is for all Americans. Thank you for reading and God bless. And may God bless American food.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-41943645112226415862013-10-20T21:43:00.000-07:002013-10-20T21:43:27.725-07:00Conversations with white Melburnians: a guideBeing a subset of Melburnian culture, white Melburnians have their own social norms, ways of communicating and ideas of what constitutes desired behaviour. Thus when Melbourne white people discuss their lives, there are only a limited number of possibilities for every statement they make. This changes the types of questions you can use to engage them in conversation. The getting-to-know-you questions are different, since you already know the answers to all of the usual ones. Here is a guide to conversations with white Melburnians:<br />
<br />
If a white Melburnian tells you they are going to America:<br />
<br />
<i>"So are you staying in Williamsburg or the area next to Williamsburg?"</i><br />
<br />
If a white Melburnians tells you they are going away for the weekend:<br />
<br />
<i>"Is there public transport to Castlemaine?"</i><br />
<br />
If a white Melburnian tells you they are going to MIFF:<br />
<br />
<i>"Which music doco are you seeing?"</i><br />
<br />
If a white Melburnian tells you one of their housemates is annoying them:<br />
<br />
<i>"Is it the photographer or the writer?"</i><br />
<br />
If a white Melburnian tells you their tram was delayed:<br />
<br />
<i>"Is the 86 normally so bad?"</i><br />
<br />
If a white Melburnian tells you they have to write an essay for uni:<br />
<br />
<i>"Is it about Derrida or Lacan?"</i> <br />
<br />
If a white Melburnian tells you they are moving to Europe:<br />
<br />
<i>"So you got that residency in Berlin?"</i><br />
<br />
You also don't need to tell white Melburnians the suburb you live in, which can be confusing if you are new to Melbourne. When you hear them describe where they live, often it's just a street name:<br />
<br />
<i>"I live on Scotchmer. You?"</i><br />
<i>"We're between Canning and Rathdowne".</i><br />
<br />
It's remarkable that such shortcuts of speech are possible in a city of 4.2 million. All of the diversity such a massive city offers in terms of lifestyles, places of work or residence, geography, forms of transport, social life and recreation - most of it gets air brushed out in White Melbourne where everyone is doing the same things all the time.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-3581400681275655382013-09-08T20:44:00.000-07:002013-09-08T20:44:02.620-07:00Food trucksIn many cities around the world, people eat food from
trucks because it's cheap and convenient. In white Melbourne, food from
trucks is considered a delicacy. Food trucks are so popular you actually have to queue before you
can place an order. But the longer you have to wait the more enriching
your experience becomes. Because then everyone will not only get to see
you eat truck food, but they'll also see you attempting to buy it. The
next steps are to (1) talk about your truck food experience to people
who weren't there; (2) check in to the food truck you're eating at; (3)
update your status about how you're eating truck food comparing it to
other truck food you've had in the recent past; (4) tweet about your
truck food dining experience; (5) photograph your truck food and upload.<br />
<br />
Food truck websites want you to believe their food is the
most
authentic, genuine, real, pristine, original, natural, traditional food
anyone has
ever eaten. Online you can read about how
the truck in
question was inspired by journeys to eastern Europe or Mexico and
other countries that aren't Australia. This type of promotional strategy
draws on an aspect of broader Australian culture to its advantage,
which is the idea that the best way to
succeed in this country is to leave it. Then you come back and talk
about how you did all of the stuff you normally do in Australia except
you did them <i>overseas</i>. This equals instant Australian success. We
can't take anyone seriously until they have been validated for us by
Europeans or Americans (and maybe the Japanese).<br />
<br />
So when white Melburnians eat truck food, they are not just consuming the food itself. They are consuming the experience of consuming food purchased from trucks. This distinction is critical because it means eating truck food isn't about eating truck food. It's really about your choice of clothes, the way you've brushed your hair, and how you sit on the kerb while eating than the flavours, textures and aromas of the food. There are at least two levels of consumption here, and you'd rarely be wrong in assuming that to be the case whenever white Melburnians consume anything. Since the quality of the meal is insignificant compared to the experience of openly consuming it, when asking someone what they thought of the food they'll say "it was alright".Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-27794638580330696752013-08-04T23:23:00.000-07:002013-08-04T23:23:21.174-07:00Malcolm TurnbullWhite Melburnians love Malcolm Turnbull because he enlivens public debate by using words other than "boats", "stop" and "the". He talks naturally, doesn't try to hide his intelligence and isn't openly scornful of the Arts. It's even possible that Turnbull might understand not everybody in society enjoys the same privileges as rich white men. For Melbourne white people, most Liberals come across as bullies or try-hards, so they appreciate Turnbull's lack of bluster and relative honesty. Malcolm Turnbull knows he isn't average and isn't afraid of that. He is rich, privileged and intelligent - and he acts like it! But this is okay for white Melburnians because they want their leaders
to be smarter than them. They don't care if their leaders aren't the
types they'd have a beer with because that's what friends are for. Tony Abbott tries to act like an average bloke. But average blokes aren't Rhodes Scholars and they never seriously consider becoming a priest. <br />
<br />
But Malcolm Turnbull plays an important role in the ongoing pursuit of social status amongst white Melburnians. When Melbourne white people tell you they like Turnbull, what they are really telling you is they are better than the average Labor voter. Their open appreciation of Turnbull is an attempt to position themselves above the fray, to make it look
like they aren't diehard Labor or Greens voters. They want you to recognise their high political IQ, which is hard because in the next sentence they'll go on about
how Tony Abbott or John Howard are "idiots", which is a
grave miscalculation. But like most things in white Melburnian culture, the content of the
message is not as important as its delivery. Pay close attention to the
way white Melburnians tell you they like Turnbull. All of them say it as
if it's a grand revelation! They want you to be <i>shocked </i>to hear they like a Liberal.<br />
<br />
Turnbull is also a republican and campaigned hard for the 'yes' vote
in the 1999 referendum. Even though republicans are found on all sides
of politics (as are monarchists), white Melburnians like to pretend the
republic is only for the Left. While the existence of Malcolm Turnbull
is proof that they're wrong, white Melburnians get around this by
claiming Turnbull as one of their own. Remember
when it was uncool to travel to America and white Melburnians said they'd never go there "except to New York"? Malcolm Turnbull
is the New York City of the Coalition. Remember when the only hip hop white Melburnians listened to was the Beastie Boys? Malcolm Turnbull is the Beastie Boys of the LNP. If Kevin Rudd is Labor's answer to John Howard, then Malcom Turnbull is the Liberal's answer to Kevin Rudd. Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-65144921661308851742013-05-12T18:01:00.001-07:002013-05-12T18:01:56.372-07:00AwkwardnessWhite Melburnians don't know how to introduce themselves. They don't know if they should do the handshake, the hug, the kiss or the hug 'n' kiss or the handshake with the half hug. They don't know if they should give you a dap, backslap, high five or low five, or whether they should do or say anything at all. <br />
<br />
Do you kiss? But what if they go for the hug? You'll kiss
their ear! How much pressure do you exert with your lips? If you're too gentle like a mother kissing an infant it'll be weird but going in too
hard and punching them with your mouth isn't good
either. And if you don't connect on a high five do you try again or go for the conventional handshake? How to recover if you spill your drink (or theirs) as you greet someone? What to do if you knock their glasses off their head while reaching for the hug? And if one person is sitting down do they stand up or should the standing person try to give them a squeeze and risk delivering a groin to the face? <br />
<br />
Melbourne white people don't know what to do when they see someone they know. Do you go over to them and chat? But what if they don't want to chat? What if you just met them recently or met them years before but saw them recently? Does the protocol change if you're on the tram, in a bar or riding past? <br />
<br />
There is also a pervasive assumption amongst white Melburnians that every person they've ever met will want to engage them in prolonged conversation. What's wrong with saying hello without breaking stride? What's wrong with a wave, a nod or a quick 'hello' as you walk past? White Melburnians will either have a deeply intimate and protracted conversation or completely ignore you. There is no middle ground for them. They prefer to pretend they didn't see you rather than say hello and keep walking. When meeting white Melburnians be prepared to be the first to introduce yourself. Offer your hand as you get their attention so they don't have to choose. They will appreciate it.<br />
<br />
<br />Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-37580385912278398142013-03-11T20:57:00.000-07:002013-03-11T20:57:45.111-07:00Going to Bali . . . but not the touristy bitWithin every white Melburnian there lurks an inner bogan. When the white Melburnian is awake the bogan can be kept at bay, but
every night they dream of VKs and premierships. Controlling this less reputable side of their personality takes a lot of energy so white Melburnians need a safe place where these strong urges can be unleashed. Bali is that place. Below are a number of socially acceptable reasons for going to Bali that Melbourne white people will use on you to justify their holidays (real reasons are in italics):<br />
<br />
"But Bali is so cheap and so were the flights and it's so beautiful and <i>they've got Heineken on tap!</i>"<br />
<br />
"You can eat fresh seafood for like 5 bucks<i> </i>and I'm trying to learn Indonesian and <i>they've got Heineken on tap!</i>"<i><i> </i></i><br />
<br />
"You can hire scooters and<i> ride quad bikes</i> and get cheap surfing lessons and do yoga and drink mango smoothies and <i>Heineken on tap!</i>"<br />
<br />
"We never went to Kuta because the other parts of the island are
actually really quiet and it's only locals at those places and we found a nice coffeeshop so every morning we'd drink<i> Heineken on tap!</i>"<br />
<br />
When talking about their Bali trips white Melburnians will be at pains to tell you how they didn't go to Kuta. Don't believe them! Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-73220907705678964002013-02-03T17:32:00.000-08:002016-06-01T02:13:35.456-07:00"First world problem"The First World Problem phenomenon is a way for white Melburnians to appear worldly without having to think about the world. "First World Problem" has got nothing to do with global inequalities. It's just about making yourself feel better when
something mildly annoying happens - like having to drink a soy latte
made with So Good (aka So Bad). "First World
Problem" is way more versatile and a lot less lame than "Make Poverty History". Especially because you can use it without having to
spend any money. <br />
<br />
People will be wearing "First World Problem" tshirts made in Third World
sweatshops before anyone does anything to help the Third World. But hey, at least it will provide jobs right? Without having to resort to redistribution or just consuming less, is
there even enough energy and resources available on Earth to solve Third
World problems? How is it possible that people in the Third World
starve while their land and water is used to grow luxury items like
chocolate and coffee? This doesn't just happen. It takes <i>work</i>. But we never talk about this.<br />
<br />
But aren't First World Problems Third World Problems too? Don't people in developing countries still care if their football team loses? Or do they tell themselves "this loss doesn't matter to me because my nation's elites are hopelessly corrupt". People work boring jobs all over the globe. Or do people living in slums just say - "since I lack access to clean drinking water and functional sanitation systems <span style="font-size: small;">I'<span style="font-size: small;">m completely <span style="font-size: small;">satisfied</span> with my dull job</span></span>"? Do traffic jams bring smiles to the faces of commuters in Hanoi or Kampala because their criminally low wages make them immune to frustration? A jammed photocopier in Monrovia would still be annoying! White Melburnians make it sound as if complaining is only for the rich. But anyone can do it. It's the great equaliser. White Melburnians should stop trying to make complaining into an elitist activity when it's really the one thing that unites us all. We, the world, should embrace it! Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-70086938020673025092013-01-06T17:27:00.000-08:002013-01-06T17:27:34.045-08:00Threatening to move SouthsideAs White Melbourne moves further and further north, Melbourne white people will be forced to face some serious questions, like - do I really want to live in Thomastown? Maybe one day white Melburnians will argue not over Smith Street being superior to Brunswick Street but how much better Highpoint is compared to Northland. And will Castlemaine (the Portsea of the North) still feel like an escape when so many white Melburnians live basically next door?<br />
<br />
Much like those Americans who threatened to move to Canada if Bush won, white Melburnians threatening to move Southside are also kidding themselves. It's just their way of saying Northside belongs to them at the exclusion of everyone else. On the other hand, what's so bad about Southside? It has the beach, it has Luna Park, and you get to catch up with the boys at the Pint on Punt. And the clubs are better! Northside can't compete with the California Club and Club 859!* Anyway, I've been exploring Southside lately and I just discovered a great cafe called the Galleon that nobody knows about. See you there?<br />
<br />
*<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Don't Google them (they're brothels). I was trying to be funny</span>. <br />
<br />Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-86649468937530031142012-11-01T17:47:00.001-07:002012-11-01T17:47:53.778-07:00Hating on Brunswick Street while hanging out on Brunswick StreetWhite Melburnians scathingly refer to Brunswick Street as 'the Chapel Street of the north' (which is the worst form of insult they can come up with) but what they really mean is that Brunswick Street is a lot like Chapel Street on weekend nights. Any other time of day Brunswick Street is just Brunswick Street. What people should be saying instead is that Brunswick Street is just like Chapel Street - only better! The vomit is ankle-deep rather than knee-deep and drivers prefer to brake rather than accelerate when they run you over. But the best part is punching-on because you can be assured that your friendly Brunswick Street brawlers won't keep stomping your head after you lose consciousness (because they're nice guys once you get to know them).<br />
<br />
Chapel Street can be quite dull sometimes. But this is only because of the high number of clothing stores relative to the high number of clothing stores. Brunswick Street's more diverse array of shops means that even the most caffeine and YouTube stunted attention spans can survive a little longer. White Melburnians don't really hate Brunswick Street. Actually, they love it! They just want to experience it on their own terms. Pretending to hate it is their way of saying they saw it first. So if you are new to Melbourne you are better off ignoring whatever you hear about Brunswick Street and just go there yourself. You might actually enjoy it.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-32265187208213675312012-09-03T20:09:00.000-07:002012-09-05T05:12:29.200-07:00Green blingBling are the status enhancing jewelry displayed by rappers, sports
stars and other entertainers to demonstrate their wealth and prestige.
Green bling are the solar panels, rainwater tanks and other sustainable
technologies displayed by white Melburnians to demonstrate their wealth
and prestige. White Melburnians have even established a quasi-ruling kingdom known as the Bling Dynasty which encompasses the fiefdoms of East Brunswick and North Fitzroy.<br />
<br />
Flaunting green bling goes like this: you park the hybrid in the driveway, slap the solar panels on the front of the house (to catch both the afternoon sun and the neighbour's attention) and have the rainwater tanks along the side to make it look
like you're trying to hide them. Then you fly to New York and correct all of your American friends who think the USA has the highest carbon emissions per capita. Yes!<br />
<br />
Green bling is useful for combating the rising prices of electricity and water, mitigating the effects of climate change and enhancing your resilience to droughts, floods, bushfires and other disasters, such as being caught eating fast food, driving a four wheel drive or holidaying on the Gold Coast. It's also a great way to make it appear your carbon footprint is lower than everyone else. White Melburnians find green bling so attractive because its helps them to psychologically offset their high rates of consumption and gives them a new way to differentiate themselves now that everyone owns Apple products. The best part is that green technologies are becoming more efficient and have their own rates of in built obsolescence. You get to buy new ones on a regular basis! <br />
<br />
But the best way to lower your carbon footprint and all around environmental impact is to consume less - in general. However, acknowledging this means you have to question your own consumption and cope with hostility from your conservative uncle. This could mean listening to rants about <a href="http://stuffwhitepeoplelikeinmelbourne.blogspot.com.au/2011/06/greens_30.html" target="_blank">The Greens</a>. When he claims the Left want everyone to live in caves just tell him you bought green bling because you can't trust the government to keep water and electricity prices down. Or point out that you now have the anti-venom to the carbon tax python that's strangling the economy. This is simply an evocative metaphor and has nothing to do with pythons in real life. Conservatives can be skeptical of people who aren't always acting out of direct self-interest, so build his trust by telling him it's about being self-sufficient. <br />
<br />
But there is also another reason why consumption is a tricky subject. If you want to win that argument with your uncle you have to draw attention to the un-sustainability of your own lifestyle. Then you have to point out how environmentally friendly his lifestyle is. You have to admit that all of your international travel, clothes shopping, exotic food consumption and regular replacement of electronic devices has a large environmental impact, which is humiliating enough. But then you have to embarrass him by pointing out that by using the same phone for five years, rarely going overseas and entertaining himself via local camping trips while drinking beer brewed in Abbotsford he's actually kind of a greenie. Especially if that chaff bag of his is used to carry groceries instead of Julia Gillard. Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-13851698587279105322012-07-31T18:42:00.000-07:002012-08-03T07:19:10.314-07:00Barista crushesIn the early days of consumerism, products sold were mostly physical objects like fridges, washing machines, cars, etc. As more and more people acquired these objects and as more competitors began offering them, there had to be a way for producers to differentiate themselves from the competition and also to encourage people to keep consuming. Hence the experience economy was born in which products purchased were not only physical objects but also intangibles or experiences. These types of products could be consumed over and over again, enabling constant market expansion. Movies, music, fashion and tourism are obvious examples of experience economy products, but they still don't provide consumers with an experience to consume <i>every single day</i> of their lives. So what's the market to do?<br />
<br />
The libidinal caffeine economy fills this void. But it didn't emerge fully fledged until the 21st century. In the nineties, even waiters at Pizza Hut received sexual attention but I'm afraid those lusty early days are now over. Consumers are demanding quality, and a large Hawaiian with extra pineapple (hold the ham) won't cut it anymore! But the libidinal caffeine economy is not only consumer-driven, it is also producer-driven. Since dressing fashionably will only get you an extra point on the Hotness Scale, people of average looks who want to punch above their weight need only to get a job as a barista in Melbourne and can expect to go up 3-4 points with ease. For example, if you're a 6 out of 10, expect to be treated like at least a 9 while making coffee. This is critical because unlike the Richter Scale, the Hotness Scale is not logarithmic, so you really need to go up at least 3 points for it to make a noticeable difference.<br />
<br />
The barista crush is now a central aspect of everyday life in Melbourne. It is the great equaliser - spanning genders, sexualities, ages and incomes. Barista crushes form at an early age. High school white kids (Trainee White Melburnians) are currently shifting nervously and giggling their way around Coffee Clubs and Gloria Jean'ses all over Chadstone, Southland and Knox, while the Trainees lucky enough to be living near Northland(s) are simply waiting for <a href="http://stuffwhitepeoplelikeinmelbourne.blogspot.com.au/2011/01/expanding-frontiers-of-whiteness.html">White Melbourne</a> to come to them.<br />
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If you're gay, you get to debate with your friends if your barista is also gay, assessing all the arguments for and against. If you're straight, you get to debate with your friends if your barista is also straight (assessing all the arguments for and against). Then the debate can move on to 'is he/she single' or if you see your barista outside of work - what to do? Assess. Did you say hi? Did you ask him/her out for a drink? Why not? White Melburnians get to tell themselves they didn't chicken out. They'll say they didn't want to make it awkward the next time they get coffee. That way, white Melburnians get to sustain their crushes throughout their careers. The trick is to remember that any detail, no matter how minor or insignificant, is a valuable piece of evidence and worthy of lengthy discussion. This is a way to prolong the crush way after its normal expiry date. A hint: if your barista comes around the counter to greet you, you're in. If he comes on the counter he's a creep and you should go elsewhere for your coffee.<br />
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The barista crush even crosses over into broader Melbourne culture so it cannot be said to exist solely within White Melbourne. But White Melburnians take the barista crush to another level. Rather than being a moment of difference in their average day, white Melburnians base their entire 9 to 5 career around their ten minute coffee break in which they get to ogle and/or make small talk with their barista. We have to thank Starbucks for making the word 'barista' mainstream because lusting after a 'kitchenhand' or 'coffee maker' sounds a little pathetic. And that whole joke about your new born baby being 'the postman's' is pathetically out of date! What you really should be asking yourself is if the baby resembles your wife's barista.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-81119297716406276212012-07-02T18:49:00.001-07:002016-06-01T02:16:36.517-07:00StudiosDo you have a spare bedroom, a garage, a walk-in robe or cupboard? Do you have a rumpus room, den, attic, basement or a room where you store all your junk? Do you have an office or an extra large lounge-room or a section of your house separated by a door? If you answer yes to any of these questions - congratulations! You have a studio. The reality is the rents are so high in inner Melbourne that white Melburnians actually don't have the time to be creative. They have to go to work! It's so much easier, efficient and affordable to create the impression of creativity rather than being creative, with white Melburnians creating the illusion of creativity in a number of creative ways in which they convince everyone they are creative without creating creative works. It works like this:<br />
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Step 1 - Put a call out on Facebook saying you are looking for a studio.<br />
Step 2 - Tell people you are converting a space (see above) into a studio.<br />
Step 3 - Update your Facebook status to something about your studio. <br />
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Notice how you can do all of this at work? You don't even need to change your behaviour! You'll be so exhausted from work you can still spend all your free time like the rest of us - chasing links on the internet or watching TV. This enables white Melburnians to appear creative while still being able to afford rent. Studios are now the only way white Melburnians can imply they are creative. But the flipside is also true - white Melburnians are convincing themselves they can become creative simply by pretending to have a studio. Yet outside the fake studio they never use exists a world to inspire creativity.<br />
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If you have just moved to Melbourne, be aware that the creative talents you possess might be overlooked by white Melburnians because of their surprisingly uncreative understanding of how creativity can be expressed. To them, creativity is something only artists and musicians do. If you're doing medical, biotech or engineering research, manipulating particles at the atomic level or designing ways to prolong human life, you may as well tell Melbourne white people you dropped out of high school. Even if you're a novelist, a poet, an architect, a chef or a computer programmer it won't count because you can get by without a studio. So where can you get one? Fortunately, since you don't need a real studio, this is easy:<br />
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You know that musty room beneath your apartment that's locked with a rusted padlock? Studio!<br />
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The basements where pubs store all their kegs? Studio!<br />
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The shopping cart from Safeway someone left outside your house? Studio!<br />
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That drawer where you store all your reusable shopping bags? Studio!<br />
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The wheelie bin you stole from your neighbours when the council took too long to deliver yours? Studio!<br />
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The Ethiopian Consulate-General on Johnston street? Studio!<br />
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An abandoned grain silo covered in graffiti? Man, the government should totally do it up and build studios.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-41415488784369599402012-06-03T16:25:00.000-07:002012-06-03T16:25:17.476-07:00Working class jobsThe market economy normally works by making us feel inferior so we buy things we don't want. But sometimes it works in the opposite way by making people feel special when they really should be feeling inferior. It does this so it can maintain a ready supply of cheap labour from a highly educated pool of workers. This helps explain why white Melburnians, who usually spend years pursuing tertiary education, are willing to take low paying jobs at cinemas, cafes, bookshops and record stores. Sometimes these forms of employment are given exotic-sounding names, like <i>barista</i>, for what are in reality just basic entry level jobs. It's sort of like in high school when the kids who worked at McDonalds would wear their work belts everywhere with that golden belt buckle across a striped band the payoff for getting paid about 7 bucks an hour.<br />
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Normally when a group of people in a society do not have the earning potential to compete with the higher classes, there are three things they can do: (1) band together and overthrow the higher classes; (2) educate themselves so they are able to join the higher classes, or (3) carve out a niche of superiority via sophisticated consumer choices. But instead of using all of the advantages middle class upbringings confer and doing any of the above, white Melburnians choose to drop down into the working classes and then proceed to act as if they are better than everyone. In Australia nobody finds this strange because we like to pretend class doesn't exist. In this way, white Melburnians convince themselves they are undermining the entire system while the system maintains itself on a steady supply of highly educated labour willing to work for peanuts. Melbourne white people are now so poor they can't even afford gears on their bikes! Meanwhile, many of their wrong type counterparts take highly paid and/or heavily unionised jobs in construction, mining and labouring but white Melburnians will tell you that exchanging real capital for cultural capital is worth it.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-28631970359832404182012-05-08T21:46:00.002-07:002012-05-08T21:47:18.015-07:00Everything you know about hospitality is wrongForget that 'customer is always right' bullshit. In Melbourne, the customer is always wrong! White Melburnians love nothing more than that feeling of inferiority they get when entering coffee shops staffed by people more fashionable than them. They want to see that air of disdain from the barista when approaching the counter and they crave those feelings of inadequacy that come from being silently eyeballed by patrons with trendier haircuts as they do a masochistic walk of shame through the cafe while grovelling in front of the register, ingratiatingly ordering a coffee 'if it's not too much trouble'. The payoff is; (1) getting to whinge about it later and, (2) being seen drinking coffee out of a white paper cup stamped with the logo of a culturally sanctioned cafe. The stamp is their visa for entry into White Melbourne but be careful - this visa expires as soon as the cup is empty. Yet these cups are considered so aesthetically pleasing they are then reused to decorate the footpaths and gutters of White Melbourne. Now others can enjoy them too!Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-27741094471283083462012-03-18T18:03:00.003-07:002012-03-18T18:10:25.189-07:00Portugese tartsForget about Brunetti's pastry that desperately wants you to think it's gourmet, if you want the approval of white Melburnians then it's best to be heard talking about Portugese tarts. They are slightly smaller, have slightly more flavour and are slightly more expensive than conventional custard tarts yet are considered immensely superior. But don't worry if you can't find them in Portugal, they're hard enough to find outside the inner north of Melbourne.<br /><br />Since white Melburnians have similar political and cultural beliefs, and also prefer not to disagree with one another on issues that actually matter, the Portugese tarts versus conventional custard tarts becomes the frontline of debate. While the rest of Australia is debating Murdoch versus Fairfax or Labor versus Liberal or Big Australia versus Fortress Australia or the mining industry versus everyone else, white Melburnians are desperately trying to convince you that Portugese tarts are <i>so much better</i> (OMG!) than conventional custard tarts. <br /><br />But when did this begin? When did white Melburnians begin to care so much about pastry? Some might say it started with celebrity chefs and reality TV, while others will tell you it all goes back to Melbourne's cafe boom in the nineties. Who knows? Maybe it all began right after the post-war Southern European migrants arrived? <br /><br />But I think we have to go back much earlier when the first British settlers found the land around Port Phillip Bay a little too swampy and sought out drier pastures further up the Yarra. You can picture them wrinkling their sunburnt noses up at the local bush tucker and clinging to their wheat flour and eggs and other staples of Mesopotamian agriculture. <br /><br /><i>But maybe just maybe</i> it goes back even further to the 1600s when the Portugese drifted off course and saw Western Australia but decided not to stay. Maybe they saw all that smoke from campsites and from firestick farming and thought, "Nah, let's fuck off, it's full." We are still living with that decision today.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-8799413909485389102012-01-31T17:34:00.000-08:002012-02-01T21:36:08.885-08:00Edinburgh GardensForget about dating sites and dating apps, forget pubs and clubs and swimming upriver to mate. Just be like normal white Melburnians and have a picnic at Edinburgh gardens on a sunny Sunday afternoon. White Melburnians love Edinburgh Gardens because there's rarely a wrong type in sight. The last time a wrong type of white Melburnian was spotted in Edinburgh Gardens was in 1996, walking around on his hind legs as he farewelled his beloved Fitzroy Lions before they were subsumed by the Brisbane Bears. <br /><br />Edinburgh Gardens isn't your average Melbourne park. Footy and cricket are just as common as hula hooping, bat tennis and even slacklining. Anyone new to Edinburgh Gardens will be struck by the variety of sports being played - each one more frivolous and mildly entertaining than the last. The worst part is having to take your rubbish with you because all the bins are overloaded with discarded bottles of Coopers Pale. There are also people strumming guitars and old timers breathing subtle sighs of relief when there are no renditions of Mr Jones. <br /><br />Meanwhile, your average white Melburnian man at Edinburgh gardens will be quietly cursing himself for not chatting up that hot girl in the rainbow leggings or the tartan miniskirt or the loose white tshirt knotted at the waist while he was checking her out in the checkout at Piedimonte's because he told himself he'd do it when he saw her across the road at Edinburgh gardens. And that whole thing where he'll deliberately misjudge his catch attempt so the frisbee or some other projectile not readily associated with any well known ball sport lands just a little too close to a picnicking group with more females than males (which is pretty much every group in Edinburgh Gardens) because that's when he can make that all-important eye contact and mention how unfit he is: <br /><br />Oops <br />I haven't thrown one of these <br />Since high school<br /><br />Hey <br />Are they Portuguese tarts<br />I wish I could bake<br /><br />Do you <br />Come here often <br /><br />Raising an eyebrow, trying to act casual, maintaining eye contact longer than normal, worrying about the garlic content in the homus, saying 'let's just go to Moroccan soup bar and eat it in the park', forgetting to bring take away containers, not being able to find a pole to lock your bike too, noticing new apartments half finished, worrying about sweating, knowing the meanings of words you can't pronounce, making jokes about recently obsolete technology or how you never go out late anymore . . .<br /><br />I like Edinburgh Gardens for the way it prevents Northcote from spreading into surrounding suburbs. It provides a buttress in the way the Great Dividing Range did against those early European explorers with fantasies of inland seas and <i>Terra nullius</i>. Just make sure to touch the grass before sitting down - sometimes it's wet.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-83247638993529544772011-12-19T19:39:00.000-08:002011-12-19T19:41:00.965-08:00Being mistaken for a local in New York CityDespite the existence of a New York State being the source of constant confusion for white Melburnians, their love for New York City continues unabated. However, the non-New York City parts of America hold little interest to Melbourne white people, with back-to-back Bush presidencies appearing to have neutralised the broad popularity of Kerouac's <i> On the Road</i>. In fact, the longest a white Melburnian has been known to tolerate a non-New York City part of the USA was a four hour layover at LAX in 2009. Even though the Aussie dollar is making a parody of parity by hitting $1.10 against the Greenback earlier this year, white Melburnians will only visit American places that are just like Fitzroy, only cooler. If North America was Chapel street, New York City would be the Windsor end.<br /><br />In order to exchange your travel stories for cultural capital back home, you need to visit places that have the right balance between notoriety and obscurity. Telling people you went to Swaziland will mean nothing to most white Melburnians. On the other hand, saying you went to the Netherlands will only mean you get to listen to stories from people who were there five years before you. This is why being mistaken for a local in New York City is so important to Melbourne white people! This will be the one story they always tell. Long after they realise how naive it sounds to say 'New Yorkers talk just like they do in the movies'(!), the time they were mistaken for a local in New York City will be rehashed again and again.<br /><br />But the problem of loving New York is that every other tourist also loves New York, sometimes just as much as you do! Right now your Mum is remembering her New York shopping trips to Macy's and Bloomingdale's - she even thinks these shops can't be found anywhere else. Meanwhile, your brother is in the midst of a Jay Z phase and is planning a trip to Times Square. Walking past RMIT at lunch, you just heard some First Years discussing their experiences in a Manhattan bagel shop and how the guy behind the counter was full looking at them. So how do you position your experience in New York as superior? Just follow the subtle tricks used by White Melburnians.<br /><br />The first trick is to never mention how you thought New Yorkers would comment on your Australian accent. The streets of New York are awash with foreign accents, just like Melbourne. Aside from being mistaken for South African or British, there really isn't any difference having an Australian accent in New York as there is in Melbourne. Secondly, you should rave about the burritos and other Mexican food, but be careful to only frame the price as exotic. Thirdly, spend most of your time in Brooklyn. <br /><br />The trip to Brooklyn is like a pilgrimage, but instead of paying respects to a God, white Melburnians go to worship trendier versions of themselves. Hedge your trip to Brooklyn against all of the fashion mistakes you have ever made and are yet to make. Think of the trip as a form of insurance, collateral or credentialing. Maybe you used to go to raves or have a Chinese character tattoo. Maybe you're worried that your current look will soon be out of date. The shame of these mistakes will be lessened if you have been to New York because New York never goes out of style. For example, the long beards that make white Melburnian men look like they're impersonating the Federal member for Leichhardt at the turn of the century and the short hair on white Melburnian women that is reminiscent of the 1993 year 12 class at De La Salle will eventually be subjected to devastating critique. Thus those soon-to-be embarrassing Facebook photos must be scattered amongst pics of house parties in Brooklyn. It used to be okay to make fun of out-of-date fashion even when you used to sport it yourself, but now online photo albums preserve your mistakes for eternity. Remember: cultural memory amongst white Melburnians goes back about five minutes, but Facebook is forever.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-25405985082634222152011-11-21T22:14:00.000-08:002011-12-04T20:47:06.036-08:00Smith streetWhite Melburnians don't like Smith street the way it is today but the past they long for never quite existed. For some reason though it's preferable to yearn for an imagined past than to enjoy the way things are right now. White Melburnians actually prefer some degree of gentrification than none at all. They would never admit this though as many of them lament the processes of gentrification even when they are the gentry. But would you prefer Smith street to return to its smack dealing heyday circa 1999 and get hassled by junkies every time you went there? No? Then you like gentrification! <br /><br />But Smith street isn't completely gentrified yet because it still has plenty of boarded up shops, amateur graffiti and dive bars. It even has an empty lot overgrown with weeds! Yet this is balanced with an overabundance of salons, Japanese restaurants and Cavallero. Seriously, if you want to get your hair done and eat some udon there's no better place than Smith street. But it's a delicate balance so appreciate it now. One more salon or Japanese restaurant and it'll be a gentrified, sanitised, yuppie suburb with *gasp* late-thirties-women-in-expensive-jeans-pushing-strollers! They might even put-their-keys-and-smartphones-on-the-table-while-meeting-for-coffee! This is the white Melburnian version of hell. So enjoy Smith street today. You'll miss it when it's gone.<br /><br /><i>Postscript</i><br />I reckon Smith street is at the perfect level of gentrification right now so we have to appreciate it otherwise we will never progress as a culture. A culture can still thrive even when the stories it tells itself are retold over and over as long as these stories are adapted to the times in which they are told. So to avoid entering a Dark Age I suggest we recognise the cyclical processes of gentrification - neighbourhoods boom and bust over decades. There will always be a street like Smith street in Melbourne. It won't be exactly the same but this is okay because healthy cultures naturally change and evolve. While Smith street might end up like Acland street it won't matter because another street will rise to take its place. Even though Acland street still retains some gems and Carlisle street now has an appeal that wasn't around back in Acland's Golden Age. But white Melburnians usually do not lament the lack of affordable housing for the poor or the closure of local businesses that are typical consequences of gentrification - they're just pissed off their streets now lack the gritty charm they believe only the poor can provide. So we need a more inclusive way of talking about gentrification.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-26119638690339926342011-11-01T15:53:00.000-07:002011-11-01T15:55:01.462-07:00Complaining about the coffee in remote destinationsWhether you're in Coober Pedy, Tibet, Broken Hill or Bolivia, you will likely encounter a white Melburnian complaining about the coffee at a local cafe. Many claim to travel to experience foreign cultures but when the culture in question does not include expertise in espresso coffee (with Bonsoy) there will be outrage and contempt. Unwilling to accept cultural diversity when it comes to coffee, Melbourne white people want everywhere to be just like De Clieu. They refuse to imagine an alternative to drinking tiny portions of espresso coffee overwhelmed by warm milk and sugar out of disposable paper cups. <br /><br />To white Melburnians, a lack of espresso coffee (with Bonsoy) remains the preferred indicator of a nation's poverty. Anything else, such as no clean water, high infant mortality rates, minimal public infrastructure spending, mass unemployment and political oppression will be accepted as givens (even exotic) and consumed as part of a search for difference. Melbourne white people will even expect coffee growing nations - some of the poorest countries on Earth, to have excellent (Italian) espresso coffee. It's sort of like expecting the nation of Ghana to be the world's main consumer of gourmet chocolate, when many Ghanians don't even get a full meal a day. But white Melburnians aren't the only ones who confuse the geographies of production with those of consumption, so why single them out? Because white Melburnians see coffee as necessary for life when in fact it's a luxury item. And because many of them are studying international development degrees.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-43093839721648174932011-10-08T22:51:00.000-07:002011-10-08T22:52:57.093-07:00Innovative fast food chainsConsidering the fried onion only became a staple at Australian barbecues in the 21st century, you can understand the long and successful history fast food chains have enjoyed in this country. They were able to stand apart from the rest of the market by not carbonising the meat and serving condiments other than tomato sauce and tomato sauce. So ever since their takeover of airport lounges, highway off ramps, petrol stations, shopping centres, suburban thoroughfares, freeways, stadiums, schools and universities, it would be safe to assume the spread of fast food chains in our society has reached critical mass. But there is one place left for them to colonise: the graffitied laneways and cycle-friendly streets of white Melbourne. <br /><br />A clustering of fast food chains can be observed at the borders of white Melbourne, like insurgents clamoring at the gates of the Green Zone. Bell Street Maccas, Pizza Hut and PizzaMaster on the corner of Smith and Victoria, the KFC on Chapel Street, Prahran. To move beyond their natural habitat (which is overrun by competing species) they've had to evolve. Innovative fast food chains are the most adaptive of their kind, characterised by a lack of drive-through, the addition of drinks and even alcohol served in very adult-like glass bottles, and semi-exotic condiments like aioli and guacamole. Their staff are allowed some flexibility in the choice of head wear instead of the standard issue cap, and they usually address all their male customers with the informal 'man' or 'dude'. Some of the stores come with literary references and apostrophes where none should exist, but their most appealing feature is a refreshing self-awareness that they're just fast food chains. Thanks to such innovations, Melbourne white people can now eat fast food without shame and in daylight hours.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-39705802522226460342011-09-20T19:17:00.000-07:002011-09-20T19:18:39.130-07:00Toto's AfricaOriginally I was going to write about how white Melburnians have an ironic appreciation of this song. I was then going to mention how the absurdity of the line about 'blessing the rains down in Africa' somehow makes the ironic sing-a-longs more enjoyable, because surely Melbourne white people would never sing a song just for the fun of it. But have you noticed how the loud cheering it receives at house parties is kind of real? And have you ever noticed how good it feels to sing the chorus out loud? It's the white Melburnian equivalent of Livin' on a Prayer! So the truth is white Melburnians love Toto's <i>Africa</i> because it's an awesome song.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-85130007492901336712011-08-24T18:11:00.001-07:002011-08-24T18:15:02.892-07:00Meeting at Melbourne Central instead of Flinders StreetMelbourne white people gave up on Flinders Street Station in 2004 when Transport opened at Federation Square. They will never go back. The goths and punks, the evangelical Christians (every Friday night), the overwhelming police presence, the short skirts and muscle tops, the lack of bike parking areas, the "Metro Safety Announcements", the cold, the alienating architectural form and the proximity to Crown Casino, make Flinders Street the station for the wrong types of white Melburnians.
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<br />Melbourne Central Station (hereafter MCS) is a lot better. It's inside so you don't have to worry about the cold, and it's close to the state library so you can update your status about how you're studying at the library. There's even a giant clock so white Melburnians can still meet under one and not feel like they are betraying the spirit of their city.
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<br />But what the preference of MCS over Flinders Street demonstrates is the alternative geographies white Melburnians use when navigating their city. In the white Melburnian mind, the southern border of the city is Bourke Street, its western perimeter is Elizabeth Street\Royal Parade, its eastern side ends at Punt Road, and it's bounded by Alexandra Parade in the north. Imagining the city of Melbourne in this way incorporates Fitzroy and Carlton into the CBD, relegating Flinders Street to the status of a suburban train station and eliminating King Street from the discussion. White Melburnians are trying to recreate Melbourne in their own image.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4389371953964055397.post-35170436858932893652011-08-07T18:37:00.000-07:002011-08-07T18:38:56.238-07:00Quirky listsOne of the best ways to judge a person's character in the internet age is by reading the lists they write in online profiles. For those of you who are new to the international network ('internet', for short), this was not always so. In the nineties, getting-to-know-you question-and-answer lists circulating via electronic mail ('e-mail') on the intra-planetary lattice, or 'worldwide web', were mostly concerned with whether or not you ate the stems of broccoli. Hence their ability to convey to the reader the character of the person responding to the questions was quite limited. Because of social networking sites and web logs ('blogs'), more accurate assessments of character, such as delineating between wrong and right types of white Melburnians, are now possible. The wrong type of white Melburnian takes the act of list writing literally. To them it is just a list, not a work of art. Lists of interests displayed on the web profiles of the wrong types normally look something like this:<br /><br />Hot showers<br />Watching movies<br />Going fishing with my Dad<br />Sleeping in<br />Sickies<br />Catching up with friends<br /><br />There's nothing wrong with this list of interests except that it's just a list of interests. Therefore it could not have been written by the right type of Melbourne white person, whose list of interests look more like this:<br /><br />The donuts at Footscray station<br />Karaoke<br />Making lists<br />Frankston savers<br />Breakfast burritos<br />Marieke Hardy<br />World's End Press<br />Palindromes<br />Going off on tangents<br />Schadenfreude<br />Bad puns<br /><br />White Melburnians believe a list of interests should be used to reflect intellect, cleverness, self-deprecation, humour, worldliness and competence. If you are about to write your own list of interests, remember that one of the most important features to convey is cleverness, but done in a cautious way so as not to totally overwhelm the reader with how clever you are. This is best accomplished by inserting into the list something self-referential like 'awesome alliterations'. The trick of list writing is to make the whole construction of the list appear effortless but expend a great deal of effort to accomplish this - which is a central feature of white Melburnian culture.Benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05732816569748648026noreply@blogger.com0