Thursday, November 25, 2010

Verbose Addresses

Melbourne white people have a fixation with postcodes that is almost Brightonian (which gives them a weird private school vibe). So if you're at a white Melburnian party the first discussions you'll have upon introductions will relate to where you live. They do this to determine if the conversation is worth continuing. If you don't live Northside be ready to look for someone else to talk too.

But since all white Melburnians live Northside, there has to be a way for the most devout ones to demonstrate their superiority. One of the ways they do this is through verbose addresses. The most dedicated white Melburnians will always live down an alleyway, in a warehouse or above a shop, which makes their addresses longer than other Melburnians. If someone has an address like 2/331b Smith street it just means they are better than you. It also means that when they text you their address you should prepare for directions like this: "You have to go down the alleyway behind the Birmingham. On Johnston. Then up some stairs. Give me a call if you can't find it." If you need Google Maps to find the place, white Melburnians will want to live there.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Coopers has been around since 1862 (almost pre-dating white people in the Melbourne area!) yet it is considered the beer of choice for white Melburnians because we've been drinking it since about 2004. The acceptability of Coopers has evolved to the point where it is now uncool to talk openly about your love for it, but if you're in a bar and Coopers is not on tap it's okay to make a comment.