Procrastinating

The only thing White Melburnians love more than procrastinating is talking about procrastinating. This phenomenon begins during VCE but reaches maturity during the university exam periods. The transcript below describes a typical conversation between university students waiting for the exam room to open. While taking certain creative liberties, it nevertheless demonstrates how the hyperbole escalates from first to third year.

First Year: "I studied a bit. I should be okay."
Second Year: "I hardly studied. I might fail." *nervous laughter*
Third Year: *maniacal laughter* "HAHAHA! I didn't study AT ALL! I spent last night on the couch drinking whisky and watching Friends! I'm still drunk heeeheeee zzzzzz aarrrgh!"

After university procrastinating is used to mask a darkly competitive streak as White Melburnians believe that by hiding their ambitions they are more likely to achieve them. But there is also another reason for this secrecy.

As White Melburnian culture is a subset of Australian culture it struggles to fit its celebration of excellence into a broader Australian culture that reveres mediocrity. The result is that White Melburnians feel ashamed of their ambitions. But why is the pursuit of excellence frowned up in Australian culture? Are we really that conservative?

Even professional sportspeople, who only pull crowds because Australians want to see gifted athletes performing at the peak of their ability, can be criticised for "showing off". But who would pay to watch some mildly talented people behaving modestly?

Maggie Gyllenhaal

While Jake Gyllenhaal is set to lose White Melburnian credibility with the release of Prince of Persia, Maggie has maintained a high level of popularity amongst Melbourne white people at least since Secretary (2002).

White Melburnians love her because she's not a ravishing beauty but still totally hot, and also because she's not Katie Holmes. When Maggie Gyllenhaal replaced Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes in The Dark Knight, she achieved a Marieke Hardy-esque level of pan-White Melburnian acceptance.