Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Greens

White people have a proud history of exaggerating their influence upon society. For instance, it is widely believed that during the 1960s, groups of white people from Europe and North America invented casual sex and music. So it remains to be seen whether or not the rise of the Greens signals the coming of a new age in Australian politics or a Family First-style anomaly. While Bandt's election victory was widely interpreted as either a failure of the two major parties or the result of a growing environmental awareness amongst the electorate, it was more significant for incorporating white Melburnian values into mainstream Australian society. That's right - white Melburnians even have their own political party!

Most people think the Greens are a one issue party, but they're more like a one seat party. Adam Bandt probably has more support in Williamsburg than Williamstown. To take this idea further, you could imagine a white Melburnian microstate with Fitzroy as the capital and their president famous for being the only world leader who cycles to Parliament. But most of the leafy neighbourhoods and beachside electorates in Melbourne vote conservative. It is ironic that the suburbs with the least amount of environmental amenity attract the most support for the Greens.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Community Cup

On the train ride to Elsternwick en route to the Community Cup, white Melburnians will try to remember the last time they were south of the river; which was this time last year during the Community Cup. While laughing at Fred Negro's dick jokes retains a certain appeal, the best part about the Community Cup is getting to watch a football game but convincing yourself it's just for community radio and raising money for charity.

At some point during the day, white Melburnians will discuss how different it feels south of the river, and it's best to agree with them if you want to fit in. They might even go so far as to describe it as a 'different world', and in a way it is. Southside is closer to the coast, so the air pressure is different. It's further from Tullamarine so there are less planes in the sky. It has been a wealthy area for longer than Northside, and this is reflected in the architecture and landscaping.

But these features are of minimal concern for most white Melburnians, who only created the distinction between North and South to augment their own feelings of superiority. White Melburnian identity is largely based on geography, so they have expended a great deal of energy constructing artificial spatial boundaries in exchange for cultural capital. This is why they refuse to believe you when you point out that cycling from Fitzroy to South Yarra is way quicker than from Fitzroy to Coburg. They want to be reassured they have made the culturally superior consumer choices. Even though feeling superior about where you rent is kind of oxymoronic, especially if your parents are paying.