Monday, November 30, 2009


With a Southside vibe but geographically located north of the river, Richmond is a white Melburnian paradox. There are two classic white Melburnian venues - the Great Britain Hotel and the Corner Hotel, dispersed amongst several large drinking barns popular with the wrong type of white people. Consequently, the streets of Richmond are littered with the corpses of white Melburnians who have suffered social death.

My advice is to drink lightly, so you maintain the mental fortitude needed to negotiate the minefield. Because when it's dark and you're drunk, it's very easy to end up in one of these places by accident. It's also easy to end up in one of these places deliberately, as the burger and taco place is just so damn tempting!

Just remember that all sins are possibly forgiveable with one exception - the Swan Hotel located on the corner of Swan and Church streets. You know it. It has cover bands playing "Drive" by Incubus and big screen TVs playing football. Go there if you don't want friends.

Spicey Lamb Borek at the Vic Market

Somebody suggested this should be in the list, and while it's totally awesome, the spicey lamb borek at Brew Cafe on Poath road, Hughesdale is even better. It's huge and perfectly crispy and it comes with a tasty salad. It's a classy borek. If it was a head of state it would be Borek Obama.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Lucas' Papaw Ointment

The best thing about Lucas' Papaw Ointment is that it's not Lip Smacker. It comes in a simple red pack with black lettering in only one flavour - papaw. This is in contrast to Lip Smacker which had nauseating psychedelic packaging, weird smells and absurd flavour names (Berry Heavenly, Cozy Cupcake, Mint Jubilee, Candy Cane Treat), all of which led to its abandonment by white Melburnian women some time around 1999. The reign of Lucas' Papaw Ointment continues unabated.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Abbotsford Convent

Abbotsford is Northside's eastern fringe. Beyond it lies Melbourne's badlands, a savage hellhole of large, spacious houses with clean indoor bathrooms; quiet, tree lined streets, and where the nearest bar is an agonising fifteen minutes away by tram.

The convent is popular with Melbourne white people because it includes a restaurant, bakery, gallery and a park. While this might describe almost every single neighbourhood in Melbourne, don't be fooled. Remember that white Melburnians have the power to transform an experience shared by millions into something qualitatively different whenever they do it. The best part is when they get to tell their friends where Abbotsford is.

Sunday, November 15, 2009


Even though their currency is worth twice as much as ours, Europeans like Couchsurfing because it saves them money. On the other hand, white Melburnians like Couchsurfing because it’s a good travel website but also because it’s an excellent dating website. The most persuasive evidence for which is one of the boxes you must tick in order to become a member. It says “I understand that Couchsurfing Is NOT A Dating Site”. This warning enhances the potency of Couchsurfing as a dating site by enabling its users to convince themselves and their friends that it “happened out of nowhere” and that it was “so random”. Everybody conveniently ignores the fact that Couchsurfing includes photos, lists of interests, and lets you choose who stays over and who doesn’t, allowing couchsurfers to be tailor-made for your bed. Nor does it matter that your couchsurfer was only the fourth good-looking twenty-something Scandinavian to stay at your place in the last three months.

Couchsurfing would never be used to seduce English people because they are too similar to Australians and thus can only provide sex. While Scandinavians can still supply white Melburnians with sex; they also provide a unique cultural experience. This is just as well because Scandinavian food is really bland.

Having Ethnic Friends

Because it’s fiscally impractical to keep travelling, white Melburnians need other ways to convey how worldly and cultured they are. The easiest way to do this is to have ethnic friends. Now, you might think everyone who has friends has ethnic friends by default because everybody has an ethnicity. But you would be wrong. To Melbourne white people, ethnic pretty much means black and/or Muslim. If, for example, you are Serbian, Polish, Vietnamese, Maltese, Israeli, Greek, Russian, Italian, Chinese, Macedonian or Hungarian*, you aren’t ethnic because you’re not exotic enough^.

If you’re not black and/or Muslim but want to feel exotic again (just like your parents and grandparents did), go to Southern Cross station and ride any VLine train for one hour. At your destination you will likely be told to 'go back to your own country’. Shit. You could probably do it in forty-five minutes.

Please note that perceptions of the exotic can change. People from Turkey and Lebanon have only been exotic since September 11, 2001. Prior to that date, Turks and Lebs were considered ‘wogs’ and were in the same category as Italians, Greeks and Maltese. Al Qaeda changed all that, because now Turks and Lebs are classified as Muslims. As my good friend Ahmed says, “maybe Al Qaeda aimed to do this? Establish the global Caliphate! Expel the Christian mercenary crusaders from the Holy Lands! Wrest Islam away from those sleazy wogs!”

*Anglo-Saxons consider themselves ‘normal’ and are thus without an ethnicity.
^For some reason, Balkan Muslims aren’t exotic enough either.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Southside versus Northside

When meeting white Melburnians for the first time, it is customary to ask where they live. If you want to make friends with them, never tell them you live 'Southside', or south of the Yarra river (they just call it 'the river'). True white Melburnians live north of the river ('Northside'). If you're living Northside and want to meet a Melbourne white person for a drink, get them to suggest a place then say, "Yeah I know it. I can walk there from my place." They will think you are one of them. Even though Northside is mostly just lightless terrace houses, white Melburnians love it because they are just happy they're not living in Knox anymore.

Warning: if you can't hide your Southside status and still want to make friends with Northsiders, the culture shock you must feign when visiting them is HUGE. Never underestimate it! There has not been such a fierce rivalry between North and South since the American civil war. Here's a tip: when hanging out on Smith street just say something like "wow, you have cafes here, I've heard about these on the internet." You will make heaps of friends and nobody will hear the sarcasm.

While Sydneysiders love to bag out Melbourne, our city has won that rivalry thanks to the white Melburnian tactic of only comparing Melbourne to itself. And sometimes to Berlin. But I like Sydney. It's Australia's only global metropolis.