Southside versus Northside

When meeting white Melburnians for the first time, it is customary to ask where they live. If you want to make friends with them, never tell them you live 'Southside', or south of the Yarra river (they just call it 'the river'). True white Melburnians live north of the river ('Northside'). If you're living Northside and want to meet a Melbourne white person for a drink, get them to suggest a place then say, "Yeah I know it. I can walk there from my place." They will think you are one of them. Even though Northside is mostly just lightless terrace houses, white Melburnians love it because they are just happy they're not living in Knox anymore.

Warning: if you can't hide your Southside status and still want to make friends with Northsiders, the culture shock you must feign when visiting them is HUGE. Never underestimate it! There has not been such a fierce rivalry between North and South since the American civil war. Here's a tip: when hanging out on Smith street just say something like "wow, you have cafes here, I've heard about these on the internet." You will make heaps of friends and nobody will hear the sarcasm.

While Sydneysiders love to bag out Melbourne, our city has won that rivalry thanks to the white Melburnian tactic of only comparing Melbourne to itself. And sometimes to Berlin. But I like Sydney. It's Australia's only global metropolis.