Thursday, January 6, 2011

Expanding the Frontiers of Whiteness

Melbourne white people love trying to predict which suburb they are going to want to live in next. Ever since houses in Fitzroy and Northcote started selling for millions, white Melburnians have been talking about Coburg, Preston and Thornbury with the kind of zeal more readily associated with the Soviet plot to invade Czechoslovakia. But instead of using military force like the Soviets, white Melburnians expand their territory through economic means in a process called gentrification. But it is only expert-level white Melburnians who can sense when the time is right to expand the territory. This is due to a quirk in white Melburnian culture that sees international travel as desirable yet perpetuates insularity when it comes to exploring Melbourne itself.

Below is a list of potential new suburbs to colonise. Their Whiteness Factor indicates their suitability for white Melburnians. It turns out White Melbourne is expanding so fast you might want to consider the possibility of Greater North Epping becoming a white Melburnian suburb around 2030. But please note - it is a guide only. You must wait for the approval from an expert-level white Melburnian before making the move. The key is to find suburbs on the cusp of complete gentrification. That way they still retain the essence of their original state, but have a high enough profile to garner wide respect amongst the white Melbournian community. So it’s still a bit early to tell people you live in Fairfield.


Pros: Close to Northcote.
Cons: Relatively expensive.

Its proximity to Northcote is worth 3 points alone but there is a risk hyper-gentrification will turn Thornbury into the Brighton of the north. Whiteness Factor: 3/5.


Pros: Has Preston Market.
Cons: Has Northland Shopping Centre.

The market means Preston will always rank highly amongst Melbourne white people but Northland(s) brings too many of the wrong type of white Melburnians to Preston. Whiteness Factor: 3/5.


Pros: Has one nice café.
Cons: That one nice cafe is in Spotswood.

Spotswood still feels like a country town, which would be a great if it really was a country town, but for a suburb that is literally in the shadow of the West Gate Bridge it is unacceptable. Whiteness Factor: 2/5.


Pros: Lots of black people.
Cons: Lots of black people.

White Melburnians make a lot of noises about Footscray, particularly the Ethiopian restaurants, but they are still too scared of black Melburnians to seriously consider moving here. Whiteness Factor: 2/5.


Pros: Inner city location.
Cons: A sterile facsimile of a real suburb.

Docklands could have ranked highly but too bad the corporations got here first. Instead of quirky cafes and recycled clothing shops, there's The Coffee Club and Cotton On. It’s basically Chadstone by the Sea. Whiteness Factor: 1/5.


Pros: Day trips to Uluru?
Cons: No train station.

I can see Indonesia from my house. Whiteness Factor: 0/5.


Pros: Feels a lot like Brunswick.
Cons: ?

Since Brunswick is the current capital of White Melbourne and Coburg kind of feels like Brunswick if you don’t think about it too much, I think Coburg is the winner. Whiteness Factor: 5/5.

Any others?


  1. Eltham. The whole country feel even though the old houses are being knocked and 15 units built in their place. Potential to be the Brighton of the NE due to the crappy roads, the proximity to St Andrews Market and the fact that the trains don't often travel beyond Greensborough.


    West Melbourne
    Pro's - Not quite North Melbourne
    Con's - the number of Kiwi's that live there make it feel like Bondi by rail yards.

    Brunswick East
    Pro's - the East Brunswick Club, the lesser known area the 1 tram covers.
    Con's - The 1 travels so South of the River, it's connected closely to Lygon St South

  2. well hopefully you will bring some white chicks with you to Coburg

  3. Yarraville

    pros - It's 'just over the bridge', welcoming of sensible breeds of dogs such as any cross breed of poodle, which white people seem to love as they don't shed hair on their faux-expensive hard-rubbish couches.

    cons - Prepare to be run down by gangs of women with double prams. Yarraville seems to be a mecca of pregnant and nursing mothers, and if you aren't run down by their pram be wary of the dog in tow.

  4. Similarlty to Yarraville
    pros- closer than yarraville, unknown to most people, not footscray!
    cons- not 'gritty' like footscray, bit far from brunsiwck
    whiteness probably 3.5/5

    Cremore - secret suburb of richmond
    pros - suprisingly close to the city, full of warehouses (always cool), near corner hotel, gritty but not 'dangerous' (like vic st), air of secrecy which is pretty trendy
    cons - unknown, near mcg and that weird sports precinct, getting a bit close to southside
    white rating 3.5/5

    not much goes on in kengsington, bit suburbane but not urbane. wrong kind of whites in the dull way, but kind of trendy and could go futher down that path. on a bike path that connects to brunwick

    same as kensigton

  5. All my white friends are moving to Smiths Gully. I have no idea where his is, but i am not white.

  6. Smiths Gully is in between Eltham & St Andrews. The sticks.
    My prediction is Reservoir. I might be a little WM & live in Westgarth(I know Westgarth isn't really a suburb but it implies you are from the best part of Northcote) :). Thornbury & Preston are becoming close to being completely gentrified & the next suburb north is Reservoir. I've actually heard of late that Reservoir is being nickname Lezavoir on a account of the high number of Northcote Lesbians moving out that way to save money so they can travel to Sth America. Personally though, when I can't afford Northcote anymore, I want to go to Preston.