Sunday, March 2, 2014


There's nothing wrong with tailors. They still make you look cool, they still give you cancer, they still come with pictures of Bryan. But white Melburnians will never smoke them because they're too easy. You whip one out of the pack, light it, then it's gone. Rollies take much longer. They require a level of patience and skill, artistry, yadda yadda. They prolong the entire smoking experience and are the central artefact in the production and maintenance of white Melburnian smoking culture.

White Melburnians would never do something just to do it. They do things to be seen doing them. Rollies drag out (get it?) the whole act of smoking because the construction of the cigarette takes so much time. Ever notice how long it takes Melbourne white people to roll one cigarette? Forever! And they smoke all the time. They should be able to roll one in ten seconds flat but it's normal to see them take around five to ten minutes.

It's all about the way you position your fingers on the rolly paper. It's all in the wrinkled brow and intense look of concentration you enact as if this is the first time you've ever rolled one, bent to your work with one leg crossed over the other, the ache in your butt and lower back from the wooden bench you've been sitting on for three hours. And that whole thing where you leave the filter stuck to your bottom lip for a few minutes before the rolling even begins. Then, the rolled cigarette is held aloft, erect, triumphant, (usually held up a second or two longer than necessary) and gratefully accepted from someone across the table. Repeat.


  1. It is an attention seeking device, even more than the standard cigarettes are.

  2. I can walk and roll at the same time...multi-tasking Melburnian woman.