Sick of listening to your Mum’s friends talking about how great Paris is? Tired of hearing your old high school friends rave about Asia? Shit-scared of going to Africa but too ashamed to admit it? Luckily for you there is a region of the Earth specifically designed for white Melburnians that nobody else has ever heard of. It is called Latin America. This is the region of the Earth starting at Mexico and going all the way down to Cape Horn, Chile, in the southern cone of South America. In order to avoid confusion, it is important to note that in white Melburnian culture, Latin America is also referred to as South America, even though Mexico is part of North America. This is clearly done for the sake of convenience.
Since Thai, Indian, Turkish, Chinese, Italian, Malaysian, Vietnamese and Greek cuisines now have mass appeal, white Melburnians have begun dining on Mexican food because it enables them to maintain their feelings of cultural superiority during meal times. WARNING! When eating Mexican food in Melbourne you may experience a sinking feeling in your stomach! But this is not from the food. It’s caused by white Melburnians competing for Alpha status.
Melbourne white people don’t go to Mexican restaurants just to eat, they go to showcase their formidable Latin American skill set. Over a meal of Mexican food, a white Melburnian can tell stories about drinking Mexican beers that aren’t Corona, flaunt their awareness of a variety of corn that’s blue (they can even do it at Blue Corn), instruct lower ranking white Melburnians in the pronunciation of ‘quesadilla’ and demonstrate their grasp of Spanish, which is based around telling people that Pajero means wanker in Latin America. But in order to put their Alpha status beyond doubt, the highest ranking white Melburnians will discuss the highs and lows of the time they backpacked/volunteered/studied in Mexico/Guatemala/Chile and express the desire to go to Haiti if only it wasn’t a post-apocalyptic hellscape.