Awkwardness

White Melburnians don't know how to introduce themselves. They don't know if they should do the handshake, the hug, the kiss or the hug 'n' kiss or the handshake with the half hug. They don't know if they should give you a dap, backslap, high five or low five, or whether they should do or say anything at all.

Do you kiss? But what if they go for the hug? You'll kiss their ear! How much pressure do you exert with your lips? If you're too gentle like a mother kissing an infant it'll be weird but going in too hard and punching them with your mouth isn't good either. And if you don't connect on a high five do you try again or go for the conventional handshake? How to recover if you spill your drink (or theirs) as you greet someone? What to do if you knock their glasses off their head while reaching for the hug? And if one person is sitting down do they stand up or should the standing person try to give them a squeeze and risk delivering a groin to the face?

Melbourne white people don't know what to do when they see someone they know. Do you go over to them and chat? But what if they don't want to chat? What if you just met them recently or met them years before but saw them recently? Does the protocol change if you're on the tram, in a bar or riding past?

There is also a pervasive assumption amongst white Melburnians that every person they've ever met will want to engage them in prolonged conversation. What's wrong with saying hello without breaking stride? What's wrong with a wave, a nod or a quick 'hello' as you walk past? White Melburnians will either have a deeply intimate and protracted conversation or completely ignore you. There is no middle ground for them. They prefer to pretend they didn't see you rather than say hello and keep walking. When meeting white Melburnians be prepared to be the first to introduce yourself. Offer your hand as you get their attention so they don't have to choose. They will appreciate it.

Going to Bali . . . but not the touristy bit

Within every white Melburnian there lurks an inner bogan. When the white Melburnian is awake the bogan can be kept at bay, but every night they dream of VKs and premierships. Controlling this less reputable side of their personality takes a lot of energy so white Melburnians need a safe place where these strong urges can be unleashed. Bali is that place. Below are a number of socially acceptable reasons for going to Bali that Melbourne white people will use on you to justify their holidays (real reasons are in italics):

"But Bali is so cheap and so were the flights and it's so beautiful and they've got Heineken on tap!"

 "You can eat fresh seafood for like 5 bucks and I'm trying to learn Indonesian and they've got Heineken on tap!" 

"You can hire scooters and ride quad bikes and get cheap surfing lessons and do yoga and drink mango smoothies and Heineken on tap!"

"We never went to Kuta because the other parts of the island are actually really quiet and it's only locals at those places and we found a nice coffeeshop so every morning we'd drink Heineken on tap!"

When talking about their Bali trips white Melburnians will be at pains to tell you how they didn't go to Kuta. Don't believe them! 

"First world problem"

The First World Problem phenomenon is a way for white Melburnians to appear worldly without having to think about the world. "First World Problem" has got nothing to do with global inequalities. It's just about making yourself feel better when something mildly annoying happens - like having to drink a soy latte made with So Good (aka So Bad).  "First World Problem" is way more versatile and a lot less lame than "Make Poverty History". Especially because you can use it without having to spend any money.

People will be wearing "First World Problem" tshirts made in Third World sweatshops before anyone does anything to help the Third World. But hey, at least it will provide jobs right? Without having to resort to redistribution or just consuming less, is there even enough energy and resources available on Earth to solve Third World problems? How is it possible that people in the Third World starve while their land and water is used to grow luxury items like chocolate and coffee? This doesn't just happen. It takes work. But we never talk about this.

But aren't First World Problems Third World Problems too? Don't people in developing countries still care if their football team loses? Or do they tell themselves "this loss doesn't matter to me because my nation's elites are hopelessly corrupt". People work boring jobs all over the globe. Or do people living in slums just say - "since I lack access to clean drinking water and functional sanitation systems I'm completely satisfied with my dull job"? Do traffic jams bring smiles to the faces of commuters in Hanoi or Kampala because their criminally low wages make them immune to frustration? A jammed photocopier in Monrovia would still be annoying! White Melburnians make it sound as if complaining is only for the rich. But anyone can do it. It's the great equaliser. White Melburnians should stop trying to make complaining into an elitist activity when it's really the one thing that unites us all. We, the world, should embrace it!

Threatening to move Southside

As White Melbourne moves further and further north, Melbourne white people will be forced to face some serious questions, like - do I really want to live in Thomastown? Maybe one day white Melburnians will argue not over Smith Street being superior to Brunswick Street but how much better Highpoint is compared to Northland. And will Castlemaine (the Portsea of the North) still feel like an escape when so many white Melburnians live basically next door?

Much like those Americans who threatened to move to Canada if Bush won, white Melburnians threatening to move Southside are also kidding themselves. It's just their way of saying Northside belongs to them at the exclusion of everyone else. On the other hand, what's so bad about Southside? It has the beach, it has Luna Park, and you get to catch up with the boys at the Pint on Punt. And the clubs are better! Northside can't compete with the California Club and Club 859!* Anyway, I've been exploring Southside lately and I just discovered a great cafe called the Galleon that nobody knows about. See you there?

*Don't Google them (they're brothels). I was trying to be funny.

Hating on Brunswick Street while hanging out on Brunswick Street

White Melburnians scathingly refer to Brunswick Street as 'the Chapel Street of the north' (which is the worst form of insult they can come up with) but what they really mean is that Brunswick Street is a lot like Chapel Street on weekend nights. Any other time of day Brunswick Street is just Brunswick Street. What people should be saying instead is that Brunswick Street is just like Chapel Street - only better! The vomit is ankle-deep rather than knee-deep and drivers prefer to brake rather than accelerate when they run you over. But the best part is punching-on because you can be assured that your friendly Brunswick Street brawlers won't keep stomping your head after you lose consciousness (because they're nice guys once you get to know them).

Chapel Street can be quite dull sometimes. But this is only because of the high number of clothing stores relative to the high number of clothing stores. Brunswick Street's more diverse array of shops means that even the most caffeine and YouTube stunted attention spans can survive a little longer. White Melburnians don't really hate Brunswick Street. Actually, they love it! They just want to experience it on their own terms. Pretending to hate it is their way of saying they saw it first. So if you are new to Melbourne you are better off ignoring whatever you hear about Brunswick Street and just go there yourself. You might actually enjoy it.

Green bling

Bling are the status enhancing jewelry displayed by rappers, sports stars and other entertainers to demonstrate their wealth and prestige. Green bling are the solar panels, rainwater tanks and other sustainable technologies displayed by white Melburnians to demonstrate their wealth and prestige. White Melburnians have even established a quasi-ruling kingdom known as the Bling Dynasty which encompasses the fiefdoms of East Brunswick and North Fitzroy.

Flaunting green bling goes like this: you park the hybrid in the driveway, slap the solar panels on the front of the house (to catch both the afternoon sun and the neighbour's attention) and have the rainwater tanks along the side to make it look like you're trying to hide them. Then you fly to New York and correct all of your American friends who think the USA has the highest carbon emissions per capita. Yes!

Green bling is useful for combating the rising prices of electricity and water, mitigating the effects of climate change and enhancing your resilience to droughts, floods, bushfires and other disasters, such as being caught eating fast food, driving a four wheel drive or holidaying on the Gold Coast. It's also a great way to make it appear your carbon footprint is lower than everyone else. White Melburnians find green bling so attractive because its helps them to psychologically offset their high rates of consumption and gives them a new way to differentiate themselves now that everyone owns Apple products. The best part is that green technologies are becoming more efficient and have their own rates of in built obsolescence. You get to buy new ones on a regular basis!  

But the best way to lower your carbon footprint and all around environmental impact is to consume less - in general. However, acknowledging this means you have to question your own consumption and cope with hostility from your conservative uncle. This could mean listening to rants about The Greens. When he claims the Left want everyone to live in caves just tell him you bought green bling because you can't trust the government to keep water and electricity prices down. Or point out that you now have the anti-venom to the carbon tax python that's strangling the economy. This is simply an evocative metaphor and has nothing to do with pythons in real life. Conservatives can be skeptical of people who aren't always acting out of direct self-interest, so build his trust by telling him it's about being self-sufficient.

But there is also another reason why consumption is a tricky subject. If you want to win that argument with your uncle you have to draw attention to the un-sustainability of your own lifestyle. Then you have to point out how environmentally friendly his lifestyle is. You have to admit that all of your international travel, clothes shopping, exotic food consumption and regular replacement of electronic devices has a large environmental impact, which is humiliating enough. But then you have to embarrass him by pointing out that by using the same phone for five years, rarely going overseas and entertaining himself via local camping trips while drinking beer brewed in Abbotsford he's actually kind of a greenie. Especially if that chaff bag of his is used to carry groceries instead of Julia Gillard.

Barista crushes

In the early days of consumerism, products sold were mostly physical objects like fridges, washing machines, cars, etc. As more and more people acquired these objects and as more competitors began offering them, there had to be a way for producers to differentiate themselves from the competition and also to encourage people to keep consuming. Hence the experience economy was born in which products purchased were not only physical objects but also intangibles or experiences. These types of products could be consumed over and over again, enabling constant market expansion. Movies, music, fashion and tourism are obvious examples of experience economy products, but they still don't provide consumers with an experience to consume every single day of their lives. So what's the market to do?

The libidinal caffeine economy fills this void. But it didn't emerge fully fledged until the 21st century. In the nineties, even waiters at Pizza Hut received sexual attention but I'm afraid those lusty early days are now over. Consumers are demanding quality, and a large Hawaiian with extra pineapple (hold the ham) won't cut it anymore! But the libidinal caffeine economy is not only consumer-driven, it is also producer-driven. Since dressing fashionably will only get you an extra point on the Hotness Scale, people of average looks who want to punch above their weight need only to get a job as a barista in Melbourne and can expect to go up 3-4 points with ease. For example, if you're a 6 out of 10, expect to be treated like at least a 9 while making coffee. This is critical because unlike the Richter Scale, the Hotness Scale is not logarithmic, so you really need to go up at least 3 points for it to make a noticeable difference.

The barista crush is now a central aspect of everyday life in Melbourne. It is the great equaliser - spanning genders, sexualities, ages and incomes. Barista crushes form at an early age. High school white kids (Trainee White Melburnians) are currently shifting nervously and giggling their way around Coffee Clubs and Gloria Jean'ses all over Chadstone, Southland and Knox, while the Trainees lucky enough to be living near Northland(s) are simply waiting for White Melbourne to come to them.

If you're gay, you get to debate with your friends if your barista is also gay, assessing all the arguments for and against. If you're straight, you get to debate with your friends if your barista is also straight (assessing all the arguments for and against). Then the debate can move on to 'is he/she single' or if you see your barista outside of work - what to do? Assess. Did you say hi? Did you ask him/her out for a drink? Why not? White Melburnians get to tell themselves they didn't chicken out. They'll say they didn't want to make it awkward the next time they get coffee. That way, white Melburnians get to sustain their crushes throughout their careers. The trick is to remember that any detail, no matter how minor or insignificant, is a valuable piece of evidence and worthy of lengthy discussion. This is a way to prolong the crush way after its normal expiry date. A hint: if your barista comes around the counter to greet you, you're in. If he comes on the counter he's a creep and you should go elsewhere for your coffee.

The barista crush even crosses over into broader Melbourne culture so it cannot be said to exist solely within White Melbourne. But White Melburnians take the barista crush to another level. Rather than being a moment of difference in their average day, white Melburnians base their entire 9 to 5 career around their ten minute coffee break in which they get to ogle and/or make small talk with their barista. We have to thank Starbucks for making the word 'barista' mainstream because lusting after a 'kitchenhand' or 'coffee maker' sounds a little pathetic. And that whole joke about your new born baby being 'the postman's' is pathetically out of date! What you really should be asking yourself is if the baby resembles your wife's barista.